The Art of Subtlety

Here’s the thing.I either like you or don’t like you from the get go. I don’t change my mind. My initial instincts are usually pretty good. people don’t “grow” on me. I don’t suddenly decide I like someone i previously disliked. this goes for everyone- guys, friends, acquaintances, strangers. if i consider you a friend its cuz i liked you the very first time we met. same for the guys I’ve dated. even if i hate you post-break-up, i never would’ve considered going on a first date if i didn’t feel chemistry right away. there are no exceptions to this. relationships can be confusing, but my feelings on if i like you or not are not are very clear to me.

Here’s the point. if i don’t like you i do not feel i am subtle about that. ESPECIALLY guys. if i am not interested i will not lead you on in any way. i promise. I’m not a flirty girl and i am certainly not a girl who flirts with guys they’re not interested in (i hate those girls with a passion). i don’t need attention just to have it. i only want attention from people i care about.

SO when we’ve met (especially more than once) and i don’t respond much in conversation, don’t smile, can’t remember you’re name, and generally seem annoyed its cuz i see you as 1. someone i don’t like or 2. someone I’m not interested in dating. sometimes i even go overboard trying to show guys who i think are interested in me how NOT interested in them i am. i don’t fake friendship and honestly if we are friends and you decide you like me and i’m 100% not interested i can’t even see you as a friend anymore. you’re cut off until further notice.

I’m not a bitch (usually), i can be outgoing and friendly (ask the 2 friends i have) and if i am interested in you i will show you and if you ask me out and if like you i will find away to make it happen. so if i am none of these things around you PAY ATTENTION! cuz honestly if you can’t pick up on something as important as if i like you or not how are you going to be able to pick up on any of my other passive-aggressive traits once a relationship starts? (I’m half kidding on that..but only half).

All the right moves

Over the summer I met this guy out salsa dancing in AdMo... C esar* perhaps the best salsa dancer I've ever encountered! What fun. I was twirled, dipped, spun all over that dance floor until I was too tired to move another muscle. Such a good first impression (men, take note - learn to dance.) that I gave him my number. Cesar is in my phone as Cesar Salsa - that's how good he is. Also I don't know his last name.

We went out dancing again, and Cesar was all gentleman - bought drinks, complimented my outfit, danced the night away, ordered the same drink as me (?). Oh yeah, and brought his younger brother along. That was a first! The next week I took a work trip to Amsterdam that lasted a week longer than I expected. I had told Cesar about the trip, and that it might get extended - but when I got back, I had 6 or 7 texts from him asking if we were all terminado and why I had been so silent. Did I mention that every time we would text, Cesar would always respond within 3 minutes of my message? Clingy, or just too eager? Well, he's in school and doesn't work - so I didn't judge. I tried not to judge.

Cesar took a few week trip out to Michigan, so I didn't see him for a while - but he invited me out again a few weeks ago - so we met up in Dupont. Guess who brought two more of his brothers along? We ended up just chatting the whole time. Again Cesar ordered the same drink as me...

So here we are a few weeks later, and Cesar texted me, 'What's up princess, how is life?' No, sir. If all those other signs hadn't been enough (bringing brothers along, uber needy, takes mysterious trips to the midwest, no decision-making skills)- I think it's time to cut him loose. Wish me luck! $10 says he responds with 'I've already met someone else' - I've been getting a lot of that recently.

A D- in Chemistry

A few months ago i met a guy through a friend at a bar after the NKOTBSB concert. I suppose that should have been my first red flag but when he complimented me for looking younger than my actual age i agreed to go out with him.

The next week we went out to a restaurant that had really good buffalo burgers. I wasn't really feeling it but i was having a horrific day and thought maybe that was why. So against my better judgment we went out again the next week. On that day I was very very busy but he texted me incessantly that day to confirm the time we were going to meet. strike #1.

He then arrived at the metro 15 minutes late. strike #2. We went to a very fancy nearly empty romantic restaurant where there was literally nothing to do but talk. There were no options for people watching and I didn't like anything on the menu. I literally ate a plate of lettuce and goat cheese. (although the goat cheese was actually pretty good). strike #3.

I was more than ready to go home at this point but he had "something big" planned. For the last week he had asked me numerous times if I like musicals and if I'd want to go to one. I LOVE musicals more than any stereotypical gay man ever could and since I actually like surprises I didn't pry about this. However I was hoping we were going to see Wicked or another musical in town. That was not the case.

Instead we went to Passenger which is a hidden bar within a bar. The drinks were pretty good and strong but the atmosphere is VERY intimate and romantic and you have to sit so close you're touching the person next to you. I apparently have issues touching people I don't like cuz my skin was crawling the entire time. He then proceeded to brag about how despite his 6 figure salary and lack of debt he managed to secure a condo for half the price of my studio apartment. Talking to someone who has a ton of student loan debt and lives paycheck to paycheck this way is only going to piss her off. Not Impress her. Strike #4. He also asked me every 10 minutes in this 3 hours date "How am I doing?" "Are you having fun?" "I mean really how am I doing" "Are you sure you're having fun?" Strike #5 to 1,000.

He then offered to drive me home and although I wanted to run as fast as I could home, it was poring and I didn't have my running shoes on. SO we went to his place to pick up his car. Then he gave me an entire tour of the entire apartment building including the rooftop pool. Did I mention it was poring? When he dropped me off I jumped out of the car and ran inside. No good night kisses, sir. None for you.

The next day he emailed me and asked (yet again) if I had fun and if I wanted to go out again but not to drag it out because i was hot and a sweetheart. I guess he did pick up on the fact that I was not having fun.

Moral of the story: Trust your gut. If you don't feel it on the first date chances are the second one will be 1,000 times worse.

To Match or Not to Match

A couple weeks ago I decided to join match. com. Why you ask? Because I wasn't finding quality guys in the city (shocking I know) and I though this might be an avenue to do that. Turns out this is a very time consuming prospect. SO to save everyone some time I've put together a list of tips for guys (or girls I suppose) when it comes to meeting up with someone or emailing them for the first time.

Tip 1. Don't call me your baby girl-nothing good will come of this I can assure you.

Tip 2. If you're more than a decade older or 3 years younger than me I'm not interested. Sorry 60 year old man, you're old enough to be my dad and unless you look like George Clooney I'm not into it. (Bonus points if you actually ARE George Clooney).

Tip 3. Show up to the date on time-this is VERY important especially if the date is already time-limited (like a lunch date). Its very inconsiderate to show up 15 minutes late and shows me your also bad at managing your time. I'm very busy and if I made time in my schedule for you, you had better do the same.

Tip 4. Talk once you get there. I get it. I used to be shy. I know its hard to open up to someone you don't really know but really I can hold a conversation with myself some other time.

Tip 5. Arrive on time-Have I already mentioned this? That's because its important. You will not get a second date if you're more than 5 minutes late without a really good excuse (just waking up does not count).

Tip 6. Speaking of just waking up. If the date is at noon and you show up 15 minutes late wearing your pj's when i spent time on my appearance, don't expect a second date.

Tip 7. Don't email me and ask me to go out that night. My schedule is booked 2 weeks in advance. I'm not even joking.

Tip 8. Do not insinuate my marathon medals are not real medals because I did not win the race-especially if you've only ran one and didn't qualify for Boston. You won't win me over that way.

Tip 9: Don't call repeatedly after the date. If I don't answer I'm either a) busy, b) not interested, c) not a phone person, or d) all of the above.

Tip10: If we're meeting at a place that you are aware has a shortage of seating (think most coffee places) arriving early to snag a table earns you like a million points. Arriving 20 minutes late and making me wait outside in the cold will guarantee no second date.

Tip 11: The guy should pay. It's old fashioned but that's really how it is. If I have to pay or even explain this one, the odds of a second date are very slim.

Maybe these seem harsh but really if you're not trying on the first date will you be trying in 6 months? Probably not.

Technical Difficulty

I started work two days after moving to DC. I quickly became friends with a guy I met here. Although we talked daily for several months there was never a flirty vibe between us but we obviously got along well. One day he asked if I wanted to go to a comedy club with him. His friend had bought a ticket but then had to back out and he didn't want to go alone. I had met the friend so this didn't seem completely implausible. We went and had a great time but I didn't think it was a date because of the way he asked me. I even offered to pay for the ticket but he said his friend had already covered it so not to worry.

The next week he asked if I wanted to go out with his friends to a concert. Again we went and had a great time but I had no idea it was a date because we were just hanging out with friends- not alone and there was no flirting or anything else involved. The following week this happened again. At this point I was wondering what the heck was going on. I liked the dude but I didn't really know where things stood. Long story short we dated for a year and 4 months into this gig we discussed our first date which I still didn't know exactly which one it was. Turns out the comedy club was the first date and the friend with a ticket was just made up in case I said no.

This story still makes me laugh.

Moral of the story: Guys its helpful if the girl actually knows if you're going on a date.

Bad Reception

The worst date I ever had was in fact both not that bad and excruciatingly painful at the same time. Let's go back in time 2 and a half years shall we. I had just moved to DC and flew back to Chicago to both run the Chicago Marathon and attend a friend's wedding (not at the same time although if I could have coerced the bride into having her special day during a 40,000 participant race it would've been awesome). After driving 4 hours to said wedding (Bride neglected to tell me the wedding was 4 hours away in BFE Indiana) I could only stay for the ceremony and rush back to Chicago for the race. However, at the ceremony I met a cute, single, Christian guy who came recommended by both the bride and groom. win, win, win, win. right?

Fast forward three months. Wedding Boy and I had been conversing via email and phone since then. Those phone calls quickly grew to long, deep conversations that meant I only had 3 hours of sleep each night. If you know me sleep is a REALLY big deal to me and lack of sleep is what i consider hell to be like. Hot, steamy, and perpetually exhausting. Kind of like DC in July.

I had planned on going home for Christmas like a good daughter would do and stopping in Chicago along the way to see my friends and Wedding Boy. By this time I was sort of over Wedding Boy. Its hard to do long distance. Long phone calls meant I couldn't see my friends at night and I knew I'd be in DC for at least two years and didn't have it in me to continue these phone shenanigans anymore. BUT I felt I owed it to him in person to break things off and who knows maybe I'd like him more in person? right? wrong.

He offered to pick me up at the airport where we could have a date. When I say pick me up I do not mean in a car I mean on the CTA. No offense dude but no girl wants to hop in a date after hanging out in airports and planes for 5 hours. I knew jumping into an 8 hour date (seriously he had that much planned) with someone I wasn't into would be a bad idea so i cancelled it but in the end it didn't matter because my flight was cancelled because of Snowpocalypse so I flew into a different non-Chicago airport to go home. Wedding Boy was VERY upset I couldn't see him and started using words like "we" and "us" which is the fastest way to send me running if I don't actually like you. I flew back to DC through Chicago though and we had our first and last official date.

I stayed at Bride and Groom's house for a week. I let Bride know Wedding Boy and I were dunzo but we were going out first. The date itself would have been fine...with someone else. He made reservations to a nice restaurant -even though I'd told him I'd been there before and really didn't like it. ...its ok I drank a couple margaritas and he paid for it. Then we went to a play. He was a lighting director so he was WAY into the lights. I mean WAY into the lights. 5 minutes into it I crossed my arms. He assumed that meant I was cold and wanted to hold me and warm me up for the next 3 hours. 3 hours. It was both emotionally and physically uncomfortable. I had to literally pry his hands off me and tell him I was uncomfortable from sitting in the exact same position so long. He also felt the need to pluck stray hairs off my shirt while making weird faces and noises.

Then he wanted to go out to a bar even though I had already said I wasn't feeling well. Instead we went back to Bride and Groom's place where they were watching Funny People (spoiler alert the people are not funny). For 2 full hours the four of us sat uncomfortably close on the couch. He kept putting his arm around me, I kept giving it back to him and scooting away. Eventually I was literally sitting on top of Bride's lap-even Groom was picking up on the fact that I wasn't into this in any way shape or form. But not Wedding Boy. Nope despite my not very subtle attempts to push him away he was not picking up on it. at all. Bride eventually convinced Groom to turn the movie off. I said I was heading to bed, shook Wedding Boys hand, and ran into the bed room....mature? maybe not but there was no way I was giving this dude a chance to kiss me good night. no sir.

The next day he called raving about the great time he had and I was all "about that......."

Moral of the story: someone who seems cool at a 25 minute wedding is not necessarily the one....now if I had stayed for the reception maybe i would've picked up on that.....

modern mythology

Remember my friend Rebecca* from a few posts ago? We love to take girls trips together, so a couple of years ago we went to the Greek islands for a two week adventure. 10 tooling around the islands, and then a few days on the mainland seeing the sights with this tour guide whom we met through my friend Dylan* who had used this tour guide the year before. Costas was about 45 years old (at the time at least 15 years older than both Rebecca and me), and had a potbelly and a shock of white hair. But he was super helpful in getting everything set up for our island trips - even loaned us a cell phone, and helped us rent a car. Costas would call us each day to make sure we were all set for the day's adventures, which we thought was super useful. He always had lots of time to chat, which Rebecca and I did not - so we would alternate who talked to him.

Finally, back on the mainland, Costas took us all over the country - through Athens, the Peloponese, and the ancient mystical city of Delphi - it was such a fun trip! Rebecca and Costas did some flirting, and I of course complained vociferously about being the third wheel. After we returned to the U.S. (incredibly golden tan and a little blue post-vacation), Rebecca and I facebook-friended Costas (or maybe he friended us, I can't remember). And then he started skyping me. And then came the poems. Epic, perfectly rhymed, maybe iambic pentameter (if I could remember what that was), and also the poems described our (Rebecca's and Costas' and my) time in Greece. and then some totally inappropriate references. Just to give you a sample, here is the first poem - copyrighted 2010 by the author:

Odysseus' fate to travel the globe

Unaware of location and time

Longing to be with the one in his mind

That propels him the mighty Cyclops to blind.

Socrates' way to inquire and lead

Reasonable men down the path to agree

That all moderation will one day succeed

To rightfully gain that which cannot be.

Phydias' art to create for all time

A place to inspire and for all to accept

That grandeur can once be captured in lime

And marble declares what is truly divine.

But I must bear a slave's name at best

Given to me through the hallways of time

To honor past glory of the family crest

To be spoken by you in a moment sublime.

Yeah. If there's anyone out there who doesn't get why this is totally inappropriate, you might need therapy. Two more poems, multiple skype calls (all ignored), defriending on FB and skype later... I haven't heard from him in about a year, which is a relief. I'll probably just go with a travel agency next time.

fall fling

I've told quite a number of negative stories, now how about a more positive one? I had just gotten back from Senegal, and was out for a night of dancing in AdMo with my friend Sasha.* We always have a ridiculous time together, so of course we were being crazy girls on the dance floor - when I noticed this fox sitting over to the side. I'm telling you, he looked like a male model... a combination of Josh Hartnett and Mark Wahlberg in their hot days. He also looked totally bored with the scene, and was paying far more attention to his phone than anything else. Whatever, I went on dancing, and eventually befriended a girl named Adrianne* who pulled her friend Adam* (the male model) onto the dance floor with us (woohoo!). I definitely thought he was going for Sasha - she's such a great dancer, but turns out he had his eye on me while I thought he was playing with his phone.

So we did some dancing and some making out... turns out Adam is super nice and considerate. I couldn't get over how handsome he was, but he was also from Montreal and leaving the following week. Fortunately, I had tickets to a soccer game the next day - so we went to watch DC United in a shut-out match, yes! Super fun. Fun fact: apparently Canadians aren't bothered by PDA.

Hmm, what did we do next? I had a work event, so we split for the evening - but Adam found me the next day at a neighborhood sports bar watching the Redskins. He loves American football. We may never meet again, but that fall fling was so fun! Definitely a great way to kick off football season :)

Mike

I should have known better than to let Aunt Belle* set me up on a blind date (with her basement subletter!), but I can't resist the adventure. So I met up with Mike* at National Harbor - we had chatted on the phone a little beforehand, and he had a plan. It must have been 12 degrees outside, and windy, and I had only a thin jacket. Mike starts out, "So I thought we'd go to this quaint little restaurant I found online. It's called Pot Belly's." not kidding. I chuckled inside, but of course I was happy to go there - except: Saturday night and the place was packed! So we had to eat outside in the freezing cold. Oh well, no harm done.

Next we went to Bobby Keys dueling piano bar, which was a trip. Mike was a bit shy, but I loved wearing the glo-stick necklace, dancing to the music, drinking beer, etc. Mike was a bit too serious for all that... he asked me a bunch of very personal spiritual questions at the bar, which I found both socially inappropriate and awkward. "Tell me about your spiritual conversion story." "What's your favorite religious book and why?" and so many more. He then started critiquing Obama, and singing the praises of Reagan. The other problem was that Mike seemed to be a stickler about not drinking... Maybe I'm too picky, but these little things start adding up.

And finally... I can't remember how we got onto the subject of money, but I think he mentioned he didn't have cash to pay for parking. I was happy to spot him some money, which Mike interpreted as "I'd like to make out in your car and pay for your parking, and then I'd like to have a ride back to my car." No, Mike, not where I was going at all.

After I emailed him a thanks-but-no-thanks email, he told me he didn't want to see me again either. Ok.... and then this past Christmas (perhaps 8 months later) I heard from Aunt Belle that Mike is engaged! Good work, Mike!

2nd time... no charm

A few months ago, I went out with this fellow named Kyle.* His online profile was too attractive to pass up. We exchanged some messages, and he seemed nice enough - so we planned to meet up at Lost Society, only to find out that Lost Society is closed on Mondays. Quick change of plans, and we ended up at Alero- I love those margaritas. Kyle was charming, and we had a great time chatting over a few drinks. This may have been the best first date I've ever been on- music, flirting, movies, sports- we talked about everything. He had lots of fun stories... I left thinking everything went so well.

A few weeks went by, and we did some texting (I don't really like phone calls) and Kyle sent me the following text, "We need to talk. Call me." I was confused. We've only been on one date, how can we need to talk already?! So I called him, and we chatted - he told me about this new job he's been applying for (and I'm thinking, this is what we needed to talk about?). Then Kyle says, "Well, I just wasn't sure if you would want to go out again, based on our conversation." Aw, that was so nice and thoughtful, perhaps overly thoughtful? I sort of stammered over my words, but thanked him and told him I was flattered and would love to go out again.

Phew, that was a bit odd, but ok great - we have a plan for dinner on Friday night. This is real date territory, as my roommate says, "you're giving out a friday night, this is big time." Kyle had come toward my neighborhood last time, so I offered to meet up closer to where he lives (in Virginia). He said no, he would prefer my neighborhood again. Fine, easier for me :)

We plan meet up at 8 on Friday, and he calls around 7:45 to tell me he's caught in traffic and will be about 20 minutes late, which I interpret as an hour. I know about traffic. Kyle also warns me that he's wearing high bottoms, so he hopes I'm not dressed too casually. I have no earthly idea what high bottoms are... nor did google or my friend Veronica* help me out at ALL. But I figured a sweater dress with flat boots was dressy-casual enough for any situation (except a club).

Right around 9:15 he arrives, and we meet up. To my chagrin, Kyle has no plan for dinner. Well it's my neighborhood, so I recommend that we head over to a wine bar nearby, but it's Friday night and the entire place is packed. Luckily we got a table, and then Kyle mentions that he's pretty full - maybe he'll just get an appetizer. Excuse me? I can't eat an expensive full plate of food while you're drinking wine and nibbling on an app! Maybe other ladies could do it, but not me. So we agree to get a bottle of wine and a cheese plate. I don't have very distinguished taste in wine, so I let him choose... 30 minutes later Kyle orders a red blend. Seriously. How can it take 30 minutes to select a wine? Another fun fact: this wine bar we went to, their cheese plates? Two slices of cheese. One for Kyle, and one for me.

At the end of the evening Kyle walked me home and I realized: dude is like 3 inches shorter than me. I'm not a tall girl (5'5" and no heels), so I expect dudes to be at least my height. That was the kicker- I can't be making out with a shorty. The combination of height, indecision, lack of planning, and leaving me hungry was too much. Eventually I sent him a 'thanks but I don't think we're a good match' message. Kyle responded that he had already found someone else.

another blind date

My dear friend Monica* set me up with this dude named Bill,* again because 'you're both religious.' (I'm starting to sense a theme here) You know that moment when you first walk into the restaurant and you think, 'oh please let that not be him' and it's him? Thanks a lot, Monica.

We went to the Cheesecake factory, and I distinctly remember him saying, "Let me just say right now how great you look - I just want to get that out of the way." And Bill then spent the whole evening talking about himself. But I guess I was in that phase where people tell you to not give up, don't judge immediately, maybe he was just nervous, give him a second shot... ok, fine.

So the next week, Bill and I went to this bar in Arlington where it was $1 beer night. He seemed very into that, but it made the restaurant UNBELIEVABLY crowded. So, while Bill continued to talk about himself, I realized that the chicken on my salad was not cooked through. (ew!!) I'm not sure he even noticed. Then at the end of the date, Bill couldn't find his wallet! So I had to pay for the entire (not fun) evening and a meal that I should have sent back!

I remember he walked me to the metro, and finally Bill asked me one question about myself. "What type of movies do you like?" and before I could answer, "Do you want to go to (whatever) movie with me?" (without actually knowing if that was a movie that I would like). I responded vaguely, and was so grateful that we could finally part ways (I think I must have been power walking to the metro!) Bill made some comment to the effect of, "I'm a cop, what are they going to do if I just walk past the barrier?" Sorry, Bill, not impressed at all!

Online virgin

I have always turned up my nose at online dating. For years I told my best friend Rebecca* that I wouldn't even consider it until I turned 26. Well 26 I am, and online dating I am too. I was in Kigali for the first 2 weeks when I started getting messages, which wasn't a huge deal - it takes a little while to get through the messaging phase, right? And this fellow started messaging me - Darius.* We had a little banter, and he soon started im'ing me when I would go onto the website (it's one of those where you are automatically signed onto chat). I hate the chat function, so I never reply. Then Darius asked for my skype name, which I ignored for a couple more messages. I told him the bandwidth was slow in Kigali, and I couldn't use the im feature... which was true. But eventually, I relented and gave him my skype name. Oh Penny, what was I thinking?

Darius skype called me immediately. I'm talking, within 3 minutes of me sending my skype name. It was 8 a.m. Kigali time, 1 a.m. D.C. So we chatted for a bit... he kept asking to video chat. Did he think I was crazy? Even if that weren't weird, there's no way I was presentable at 8 a.m. on a Sunday. And again, Kigali bandwidth would never have supported that.

So we hung up, and I went about my day. Darius starts skype calling or chatting me every 6 hours. I told him, "I stay on skype so I can talk to people (i.e. friends) back in D.C., I really can't chat right now." Good old Darius, kept right on chatting me. I told him, "I'm really busy at work, how about I message you when I get back to D.C. next week?" No good.

Finally I was so annoyed that I blocked Darius on skype. He sent me a chat on the website and then 2 messages, "I'm so sorry - I know I came on too strong, but give me another shot." Unlikely, Darius.

I might have considered - if I hadn't gotten a new skype request of a slightly different name, a LinkedIn request, and a facebook request! Donezo. Lesson learned, no skyping allowed!

One of the worst.

I don't know if you guys are ready for this, but I think you might be... the horrors (um, adventures?) of blind dating:

My couple friends Leslie* and Ben* had set us up because, "you're both nice and religious." What standards! Brian* and I exchanged a few emails prior to meeting up at a local sports bar... I seem to remember his email address included his last name, which has like 5 syllables in it (important fact for future date mistake).

So I arrived at the sports bar, which wasn't particularly crowded, and found Brian. He was seated at a high table, and didn't rise to greet me - just said hello (maybe we shook hands?). Strike 1. I hopped up onto a bar stool, and we chatted for a bit. Brian asked if I would like a drink, and then gestured over to the bar and said I could go order and put it on his tab. Strike 2. He asked me if I remembered his last name, to which I said yes (I have a knack for weird details like this, especially if we've been emailing for a couple weeks). When I got back to the table, he asked if I had in fact put the beer on his tab? I said yes, to which he responded that he was uncertain whether I actually remembered his last name. Strike 2.5.

We had some interesting conversation, mostly about him and being from the midwest. But I would say the evening's highlights include him asking me, "On a scale of 1 to 10, how conservative is your family?" And telling me the story of his sister's labor and delivery, including gory details about complications and placenta. Not joking. By that point we were at strike 5.

The rest of the story doesn't really matter... just the fact that Brian had not earned a second date. I do wish him well in finding that extremely conservative family girl. Maybe he already has.

*Names changed for privacy purposes.