A friend recently joined OKCupid. She received this message:
"Can I hang out with you while my wife is in prison?" 

You can't make this stuff up.

The Art of Subtlety

Girl dated Guy for roughly 9 months 4 years ago. Guy and Girl promptly broke up when Girl moved half way across the country. Guy repeatedly sends messages for months after behaving indecently. Messages via text, via voicemail, via facebook, via email. Girl blocks Guy from all said forms of communication. After a few months Girl unblocks Guy. Guy starts messaging again. Girl blocks Guy again. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. 4 years later Guy still sends Girl messages. Guy thinks Girl hates him. Girl doesn't think of Guy at all except when she must block him. sigh.

Tell-tale heart

Have I introduced you to Jeremy yet?  Didn't think so.  About 2 years ago, I moved to a Jackson, Mississippi for a 3 month internship, and was trying to branch out and make friends quickly.  So, one of my friends from DC connected me to a friend of hers from college, Jeremy.  Jeremy quickly invited me to ultimate frisbee and other random events, which was so nice.  Turns out he's a fun guy- so we went on a few dates (and he's super connected to the social scene in Jackson).

Jeremy told me up front that he was leaving Jackson in February (about 5 weeks after I'd arrived).  On top of this, Jeremy mentioned that he was just fresh out of a long relationship.  Ok, so I think this may just be a few week fling, he's rebounding and let's say I'm rebounding from the DC guys too.  Problem: I start to really like this guy- a traveler, artistic, fun, always paid for our dates, laid back but smart... We had fun together - like this one afternoon, we built a blanket fort at his house and watched movies under it all afternoon.  I knew I was headed for disaster, but you know when you just know and don't care?

But there are always those signs, right?  Right near the end, Jeremy had been really busy for the past week - meaning I hadn't heard from him in almost any form (text, email, call, nada).  Then on Thursday, he sends me some excuse email about how he's so busy with work - right, I remember this from He's just not that into you (the book, which is way better than the movie) - if he wants to see you, he'll make it happen.  He doesn't seem to be making it happen, but again - I had already known this was going to end, so I put on my best casual no worries attitude.

Then on the Saturday there was a big goodbye shindig for Jeremy at his big group house- I figured I should go and say goodbye, even if things had cooled off recently.  Plus his friends are fun, even if he'll be busy saying goodbye to everyone.  Well, I played it cool but Jeremy would barely look at me the whole evening.  And then he started dancing with this exchange student.  Not positive.

So at the end of the night, I tell him goodbye - and he says, "Listen - you know how I'm going on vacation next week?  I'm going with my ex.  This (our fling) was pretty unexpected for me."  Right.  Still he will not look at me.  I tell him, "This was pretty unexpected for me as well.  What about this other girl, I thought you were into her?"  He says, "That's something I have to figure out when I get back too."  But then as I was leaving, I saw them slipping off into his room.  How's that figuring out going for ya?  This is about how I felt:

I have this thing - I guess it's pride- I will not fight for anybody.  You come to me, and if you are undecided make up your damn mind, and then talk to me.  Maybe it's self-protection, or maybe it's stupidity - but I know I'm worth something, and if one guy can't see it, then someone else out there will.  I'm not sure why we crazy humans keep hoping when all the odds have not historically been in our favor, but here we are.

Intervention

I volunteered in the nursery at church one day during service. The other volunteer, "Josh" chatted with me for all 2 hours of the service. Afterwards he invited me out with a group of his friends to have a picnic on the mall. By the time I got home I had a Facebook friend request from him. The next night we talked for 3 hours about family, religion, and other deep stuff. Sounds good right? Cute guy who goes to church and clearly wants to talk to me. The only yellow flag that came up was that he kept asking if I would move for someone to North Dakota and that despite being 30 he'd only had 1.5 girlfriends. ever. Trying not to judge about his choice  to consider a plain state as a proper place to live and his lack of girlfriends I carried on the conversation.

 

"How does one have half a girlfriend?" "Well she was immature." "um..ok"

 

He asked me if I had a boyfriend and why not and then at the very end of this very long conversation he says "I hope I haven't lead you on but I have a girlfriend."

 

Um ok then why were you talking to me for several hours both online and in person two nights in a row?

 

In the following weeks this guy did the same thing to most of my girl friends at church. He even emailed several of them the exact same email after chatting with him.

 

Clearly an intervention is needed.

how r u

Ladies,

We've seen this happen time and time again. You date or non-date a guy and break up. 2 weeks to 12 years later he eventually contacts you. always. 99.9% of the guys I've dated have done this.

Here are a few possible reasons men send the inevitable, "how r u" text out of nowhere.

(in no particular order)

1. You hooked up once and he wants to keep the option open. However ridiculous and impossible (months, maybe even years have gone by - it doesn't matter). Bonus, if you don't live anywhere near him. Extra points if you're not living in the same country.

2. He is bored.

3. He is currently with or has recently broken up with someone who he views as a crazy person (wife or gf). He thinks back to the non-crazies from his past.

4. He has unsuccessfully tried to stalk you on facebook.

5. You are not on facebook (or he can't find you) so google is the next best thing.

6. He has googled you and confirmed that there are no photos on the web that show you have 'let yourself go,' and in his mind, this means you are still hot.

7. He is bored.

8. He is visiting or has moved near where you currently live.

9. You are still the BEST hes ever had and he has now fully realized his irrecoverable mistake.

10. He's horny

11. He's lonely

12. He realizes that although he may not want to date you (or you don't want to date him) you can still be friends. Then he thinks friends = friends with benefits.

13. Maybe he feels bad for the way things ended and only sex can fix that.

14. You haven't returned any previous texts therefore you are a "challenge"

15. He finds out you've moved on

Stay strong ladies when you receive this text. If he didn't stick around the first time none of these reasons are enough for him to stick around the second time..or third...or fourth....

Delete

A "very strong Christian guy" (his words not mine) emailed me and after one email exchange wanted to know if I believed in pre-marital sex and if not wanted to know (in detail) what i would "do" pre-maritally.

After I ignored him he called me out on it. After I ignored him some more he Facebook requested me. Where do these people come from? Where?

And then he sends me his testimony that states he cheated on his last gf. Sorry dude nothing you have said makes me want to go out with you.

And then he emailed me the next day to see if I still wanted to talk.

ummm does my silence tell you nothing?

He later contacted me no less than 4 MORE times then he updated his profile to say this:

Do not message me if:
You are not a Christian
You live outside the beltway
You are cannot agree to disagree
You are looking for a short term fling and/or money

The third one may or may not have been aimed at me haha.

Intercourse

Boy:Question (based on my profile)

Christian as in you go to church and believe in the bible or Christian as you go to a Bible church?

Me:

all of the above. how about you?

Boy:Not the last one. I prefer intercourse before marriage if I'm dating someone exclusively. Good to be honest. Hopefully that didn't shock you.

hahahaha um no that didn't shock me. that's what 99.9% of males prefer.